4/2/20 Annie: It’s been 3 months since we first heard the word cancer applied to Matt and our unanticipated journey started. It’s been 90 days since Matt has had any cooked food (other than boiled oats or boiled beans) and for tomorrow night he has planned an EPIC vegan chili to break the cooking-fast. Time to party!

Matt had an MRI (brain) today at noon. This is the first scan since getting his diagnosis in January. He appreciated that so many people prayed for him to have peace and calm during the test–he did have it. Results will come at a later time and although we expect great news, we’re staying the course of what we’ve been learning and practicing!

For ALL of us, daily life has looked very different since COVID-19 became a present threat and I’m feeling all the feelings! As I hear stories from family and friends, my heart hurts for the pain, fear, and suffering that many are experiencing and find myself constantly talking to God and praying again like back in January. You all are in my heart!

Many of you have reached out to us in this time to offer comfort or help, which is so kind and thoughtful–we have been managing well. It is strange for us to BELIEVE that Matt has been miraculously healed and is BEING healed daily and yet not have the medical EVIDENCE of it (yet). We’ve navigated this season AS IF he is at a higher risk of complications from this virus as wisdom tells us to use caution–he began working from home (as did his coworkers), I avoided working with students who coughed and monitored my own health diligently (with a bit of anxiety–dang seasonal allergies got me freaked out for a minute). I’m the only one who goes out to grocery shop, we wear masks, we carry sanitizer around everywhere. Social-distancing, sigh.

We did not go wild buying toilet paper! I’m gonna laugh out loud someday, in many years, reading this line.

Then, a couple of weeks ago, Oregon schools closed. The first week I slept 12 hours a night and saw my horse as much as possible. The second week, I still slept 10-11 hours a night, but health-safety restrictions and bad weather made it difficult to get horse time in. So I started running again. This week (which feels like it started a month ago) I went “back to work”, but it is all virtual and all new and all overwhelming and changes every day and I’m having difficulty sleeping. I can’t wait to see my horse tomorrow!

All this to say, God has prepared Matt and I for this season too, He is faithful. We can do hard things, we can do new things, we can keep growing and learning and loving. And we can take really good care of our bodies and minds, they are gifts worth caring for with rest, nourishment, strengthening, and loads of love and gratitude.

And because it is so beautiful, I want to leave you with an image and idea from author and artist Charlie Mackesy of the famous, at least in my world, The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse: https://twitter.com/charliemackesy/status/1245012605657403394 (click on the picture from March 31 to see the whole quote and painting)

Matt: I had noticed coworkers getting suspicious of how long my voice had been hoarse. I suspected that a couple particularly wise coworkers may have known I was covering up a potentially serious issue. I knew I needed to tell a wider audience and I wanted my team to know. I had been waiting to share an update on my health when I also had a plan of attack. Of the few people around my office who did know my diagnosis, certain individuals would stop by with their own opinions or recommendations. This is not helpful! During this season all I wanted people to say was ‘I see you. I am with you. I will be praying for your total healing.’

On Monday night (2/3/2020) I finally had the courage to email workmates and long-time friends about my health news. In the email I laid out that Annie and I are trusting in Christ for total healing as I walk this path. I also made it clear that I was not going to be entertaining fear, but walk towards health and thanking those on the email for being on my team.

My heart hurt for my long-time friends to learn of my diagnosis, each of whom echoed my own shock and sadness upon hearing the news. It was not my wish to make people sad, but it felt right sharing this news with people who care about me.

Just after sending those emails I received an email from the oncologist saying that the RNA testing was complete. Despite her previous certainty that my diagnosis would not change, the RNA test showed that there is IN FACT a genetic mutation cause for the cancer (expressed in the RNA, but not the DNA) AND that there is a treatment (a long-term targeted oral chemotherapy) that has few/well tolerated side-effects!

This treatment should disrupt the continued growth of tumors and also shrink tumors, even ones in the brain–doctors won’t say it’s a cure, but it could help get me on my way there! I was overjoyed at reading the email and burst into tears. That night Annie and I worshiped and praised God for this turn of events. This was also the first time a doctor used the phrase ‘good news’ since this whole thing started. She was that optimistic about the treatment.

Matthew 10:32 says ‘So everyone who acknowledges me before men, I also will acknowledge before my Father who is in heaven.’ The timing of the diagnosis change is a blessing and came the moment I acknowledged Him.

I was apprehensive about heading into work on Tuesday, not knowing how people would react. Some said nothing or just sent back a cursory email with ‘sending you good vibes’. However, I received unexpected appreciation from others who admired my transparency and positive focus and from others words of hope and promises of prayer. People need community especially when they are walking through a deep valley.

Matt: On Friday afternoon (1/31/2020) we met with the oncologist for the first time. The doctor gave us the results of DNA testing. I recalled the one-pager that the social worker gave me at the radiology meeting and wondered if the cancer had some of the common mutations like EGFR, or PDL-1. The oncologist got right down to it, ‘You have a SET-D2 mutation and I don’t have a pill for that.’

The oncologist unpacked what that meant: a SET-D2 mutation is not common and it is also unknown what, if any, effect it has on cancer growth. Even though she did not have the RNA testing completed on the cancer cells, the treatment recommendation was for gamma knife radiation for brain tumors and several rounds of the kind of chemo that would make me feel really lousy plus a couple other supports: immunotherapy and another maintenance chemo for lung and liver tumors.

I directly asked the oncologist if she thought anything in the RNA tests would alter the treatment plan. She confidently responded, “no, it won’t.” I was now at a cross-roads, do I take the conventional treatment, or pursue other alternatives? I was still thinking of questions when I was sent to the front desk to schedule infusions. There was no discussion of alternatives.

Annie: We bought our home in the evening of July 8, 2010. It was our 4th wedding anniversary and my best friend had her first baby unexpectedly that morning (5-6 weeks early, I can’t recall)–so unexpectedly that her husband was out of town on business and miraculously caught a flight home and was able to be there about 20 minutes before showtime! For a minute, I thought I was gonna have to sign the birth certificate in his place (wink).

We bought at a “good” time for buyers, when mortgage rates were lower than ever and we’ve always kept within our means. That being said, another of my “10 Things to have Big Faith For in 2019” was: Our family earnings and steps to take to be more of a blessing as the Lord directs. We kept getting mailers this past year (or couple of years) about mortgage rates dropping even more and decided that the wise thing to do would be to refinance–there was the potential for less expenditure over time and more resources at our fingertips to release.

We started really considering this in August 2019 and then finally began the process in November. We ended up settling on a 15-year mortgage–paying about $200 more per month than the 2010 mortgage, but with substantial long-term savings. We were in a good place for this to not really stretch us financially, however we also started look at other areas in which to save. We got rid of cable and figured out just how much internet speed we really needed…a downgrade. We also focused more on healthful free things: physical movement outdoors, reading, and spending quality time in conversation.

With the news of Matt’s diagnosis, we both had major questions about the future, and FEAR does love to snowball! Should we stop the process of refinance and get that $200 per month back into our bank account? Is Matt going to have to stop working? What are our finances going to look like? All the questions!

Then came the TRUTH. I think there’s a specific theological word for when one can apply the scripture to their current situation, but I do know the greek word “rhema” which in Christian doctrine is the concept that the Holy Spirit illuminates understanding of the scripture to the reader. Since I don’t have a technical term for it, I’ll just say that I received illumination of the scripture to my current situation.

A collection of verses were sent to Matt and I on 1/17/20 and it included Jeremiah 32:17 (ESV) “Ah, Lord God! It is you who have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and by your outstretched arm! Nothing is too hard for you.” At this point in the journey, Matt and I both poured over the scriptures for anything of comfort, promise, or hope and so I went back and read the surrounding context of this verse. The young prophet, Jeremiah, had just been commanded by the LORD to buy (redeem) a family-owned field and yet Babylon was about to conquer Israel and take many into captivity back to Babylon. There came with this act of faith (purchase of the field), a prophetic word, that someday the people would return to the land of Israel and that God would provide for their needs and it would absolutely delight Him to do them good that they may also be a blessing to the world.

Those words were FOR US as I read through Jeremiah chapters 31, 32 and 33. The Holy Spirit illuminated these words and said, “Trust in me to provide for you and carry you through this dark time. Your prophetic act of faith is to continue on with your wise plan to refinance your home. I will bless your efforts to be good stewards of the resources I have placed in your hands, not only for yourselves, but because your true desire is to allow my blessing to flow through you to bless others. It is my pleasure to do good to you and for you.”

We walked confidently into the mortgage signing 1/27/20, with knowing glances shared between us. The loan officer later emailed that this process was miraculously fast by her estimate. It was right on time for us.

Matt: My bonus-mother-in-law (Annie’s dad’s wife) recently walked a path from cancer diagnosis to healing using diet and naturopathic treatments after surgical intervention. Part of her journey involved meeting with a naturopathic, integrative oncologist and finding alternative treatments that have known healing abilities. During my two weeks of waiting for a treatment plan from the conventional oncologist, I set an appointment with the same naturopathic doctor to get his opinion. Annie joined me for this appointment and has been an extremely helpful note taker and second set of ears through these new experiences.

The meeting on 1/20/2020 was an hour long, but felt brief. I was given a list of helpful supplements, but even the naturopathic doctor couldn’t give a specific plan of action without the completion of the genetic testing. I left feeling frustrated that I still didn’t have a complete plan, but thankful for some guidance on diet and supplements. The supplements I now take include curcumin (extract from turmeric), a mushroom complex including turkey tail mushroom, fish oil, magnolia bark extract, vitamin E, vitamin D, melatonin, digestive enzymes, and CBD.

For this blog post I’d like to walk through the protocols I’ve adopted and share what I’m learning about healing that many in the Western medicine community have been dismissive about for so many people. This is not a treatise against doctors, nor modern medicine. I simply find it astounding how consistently these doctors have discouraged cancer patients, myself included, from using natural foods, supplements, or even repurposed drugs, as part of a holistic treatment plan. The explanation always seems to be some version of ‘Well, that’s not supported by clinical testing, so don’t do it’.

The forces driving this institutional thinking are the ones financing clinical studies that lead to drugs which can be patented. Healing can come from said patented drugs, however, very few situations in life have only one single solution. The presence of just one survivor who has foregone conventional Western treatments but experienced positive results using diet or alternative treatments should warrant extensive research on what made that person well. What I’m coming to find out is that there are likely untold thousands who have done just that. In short, I’ve learned to replace a doctors-could-never-be-wrong view with a healthy objectivity.

I am thankful to my bonus-mother-in-law for pointing me to the wonderful resources published by cancer-survivor Chris Wark and chrisbeatcancer.com. Chris had colon cancer in 2004 and rejected recommended chemo and radiation following a major surgery. The day after my initial diagnosis, I adopted the same 90 day raw vegan diet that Chris recommends. Part of the daily regimen is ~64oz of juice made from carrots, beets, celery, lemon, apple, ginger, turmeric root, and raw garlic.

Breakfasts consist of steel cut oats with organic berries, walnuts, flaxseed meal, flax oil, and cinnamon. For lunch I typically snack on almonds, walnuts, pumpkin seeds, dried coconut pieces, dried fruit, and cashews. For dinner I make a large ‘salad’ consisting of dark leafy greens, liquid aminos, nutritional yeast, hemp heart seeds, boiled chickpeas, avocado, mushrooms, asparagus, cauliflower, broccoli, or other raw organic chopped vegetables, seeds and nuts.

The diet is time consuming to prepare, and time consuming to eat. However, my body has adjusted well and the juice is actually kinda tasty. After the 90 day period I will start adding back in cooked veggies and more exciting flavors.

Admittedly, it may be impatience or insecurity that led me to seek out what else I could be doing to reverse my condition. I was also eager for a safe, effective treatment that would pass through the body’s main defense for the central nervous system: the blood brain barrier. This is an area I’m still learning about, but many medicines are prevented from reaching the brain by the body’s own cells that line blood vessels and lymphatic vessels.

A week or so after beginning the raw vegan diet, I came across the blog of Joe Tippens at mycancerstory.rocks. This is another survivor story that frankly sounds crazy and the medical world writes off as anecdotal. In a nutshell, Joe and dozens of other people he writes about, have repurposed canine anti-parasite medicine in order to treat a variety of cancer types after conventional treatments failed them. What I began calling the ‘dog medicine’ has miraculously reversed brain cancer, lung cancer, pancreatic cancer, breast cancer, and many others. The medicine is over-the-counter and safe for human consumption. The stories are anecdotal, but represent real lives that experienced healing from alternative methods.

These are some of the steps I’ve taken in faith as I actively wait with expectation for total healing from my good Father. I stand against the fatalistic view that cancer patients are powerless. I stand against the common Christian view in America that God causes sickness in order to teach/punish us and that our response should be merely passive acceptance. I stand for receiving in faith and belief, “…the hope of His calling, the wealth of His inheritance, and the incomparable greatness of His power…” manifested in total healing through Jesus Christ (Ephesians 1:18-19, paraphrase mine). These are truths I am learning to walk in and my understanding and application of them have been shaped by Andrew Wommack’s podcasts, and his book You’ve Already Got It.

3/14/20 Annie here. We’ll start with “Happy Pi Day” and then get back to that later on. Matt had blood labs drawn on Tuesday, just over 2 weeks since starting his targeted treatment (8 pills split between AM and PM). The labs were to check liver enzymes/liver function as this treatment can have an impact on the organ. One number was significantly lower than previously tested–inflammation is down! We attributed that drop to the fact that last time Matt was tested he was just a couple days post-massive-ankle-sprain and inflammation was visibly evident! The liver enzyme count was up, but not to a dangerous level and so the recommendation was to stop taking “mushroom complex” supplements. Matt will ask the naturopathic oncologist to take a look at these numbers and get his holistic viewpoint.

Okay, back to Pi Day (pie day).

In this season, Matt has committed to 90 days of organic raw vegan diet (starting 1/3/20..less than 30 days left). The only cooked things he’s added are steel cut oats for breakfast and home cooked beans to add protein to salads. Trying to make things simple for grocery shopping, meal prep and general solidarity, I’ve joined him…mostly.

The past 3 weeks have been some REAL life. If someone asked me how I’m doing, they’d get mixed messages between my facial expression (bewilderment) and words, “Pretty awesome!” I’ve come to realize that in any given moment it is possible to feel completely opposite feelings and have completely opposing thoughts at the same time. REAL life isn’t this OR that, it is duality OR even many more options…

-Work has been overwhelming, work has been an immense blessing-I’m upset at someone, I feel compassion for them-I have no energy to engage, engaging gives me energy-I’m inspired, I can’t step forward-

These are just some examples, but it has come as a shock to me recently that each moment can be good, bad, ugly, and beautiful. “Is she gonna get back to Pi Day?” you ask.

One thing that has been a struggle these few weeks is that our routines have been really off for a variety of reasons, and that has resulted in me having less bandwidth for forethought–namely packing a lunch to take to work. I’ve had to run out to grab a bite and the choices I’ve made, though not bad, are not it line with what I’ve been trying to do with Matt. It doesn’t hurt him and it doesn’t hurt me (though we’re pretty convinced that the whole foods vegan way is the healthiest), but I’ve felt like I had to hide my food choices from the people around me because they’re not always in line with what I’ve said I was going to do.

I’ve found myself saying things like, “I can eat whatever I want, I’m not the sick one, I’m just going along with Matt in solidarity as much as possible.” These are not lies, but they were not the underlying truth…I was struggling with TOO much on my plate (oh the pun possibility) and really didn’t feel like I had the time, space, energy or trust to disclose the overwhelm I felt. So, yesterday, in plain view, I had a slice of Key Lime Pie with Marshmallow Meringue. It was delicious, and no one said, “boo” about it.

I didn’t fall off the wagon, but in a symbolic way acknowledged that I’m human…I struggle, I try to hide it, I own up to it, and I enjoy life! I want to speak authentically as often as possible, so if you ask me “How are you?” be prepared to encounter a hurricane carrying dandelion puffs, or if I don’t have the time to give you ALL my reality, “I’m okay.”

Well, one more thing about Matt…he’s feeling REAL life too. It’s a mixed bag, but I’ll pull out something really good. A dear friend gifted Matt a Disney+ subscription as they share a love of Star Wars and had found out that Matt had not yet experienced The Mandalorian (or baby Yoda). Matt has really enjoyed this and the other classic Disney offerings since being laid up by his bum ankle. Last night we ate our salads and watched Donald Duck get “tortured” by Chip and Dale. Something tickled Matt’s funny bone in a major way–I love it when that happens. Matt lost it laughing. Tears started to squeak out of his clamped eyelids and he covered his face with his hands as a way to try to get a grip…but it’s was just too much. And it was beautiful.

Matt: During this season, Annie and I were part of a leadership training group at church. The group was reading through Pete Scazzaro’s book Emotionally Healthy Spirituality and meeting monthly to discuss a topic often neglected in Christian circles: emotional health.

At our group’s meeting on Wednesday 1/15/2020, my phone was not near me when the pulmonologist called. When I did not pick up the phone, Annie got a call and the two of us excused ourselves to another room. It was the results of the biopsy. This was the same doctor who suggested I may have pneumonia, or an infectious disease. I held my breath as Annie and I prepared ourselves for the results.

Lung cancer.

The doctor went on to explain that the cancer cell type was determined to be adenocarcinoma, but that the cells still needed to be tested for genetic mutation drivers. This testing would not be complete for another ten business days she thought. It was weird to thank her and say good-night, but that’s what you do. After hanging up the call, we took a few minutes to ourselves to pray and then our pastors joined us to pray again with tight hugs and tears. Then we just went home, not ready to address the rest of the group with our news.

The news was deflating, but not much of a shock. The ENT doctor from earlier in January was right. I was now in a waiting period between diagnosis and treatment plan. My emotional health as a Type A, enneagram 3, person of action, could do little more than…wait. Have you ever been stuck behind someone at the airport who is a slow walker? Have you ever been at a traffic light and had your turn get skipped? All my instincts screamed take action! Fight back!

I have made a conscious effort during this journey NOT to research myself into a place of fear. I like to say I have a Han Solo attitude: ‘Never tell me the odds!’ If information won’t improve my outcome, I ignore or delete it. The same was true during this period of waiting two weeks for test results. There is a wide variation of treatment plans available depending on whether or not there is a genetic mutation driver present in the cancer cells. Against my natural inclinations, I clung to the daily devotional by Andrew Murray called Waiting on God and focused on my organic raw vegan diet protocol (more on that in later posts).

The next day, shortly before noon, I got a phone call from the radiology scheduling department at the hospital. They had a 1pm appointment open up that day, during which I could meet with the radiologist, and they could conduct a ‘simulation’. The scheduler described a simulation as basically a rehearsal for everything the radiologist would need in order to perform whole brain radiation. At this point in my journey, I knew very little about the efficacy of whole brain radiation, its risks, and whether or not alternative solutions would lead to better outcomes. I wanted to meet the radiologist and discuss options, but was apprehensive about making a snap decision to walk down a path with serious health implications. I called Annie. We both sought confirmation from the Lord. I left my office at work and went for a short walk. Knowing I didn’t have much time to make the appointment, I decided to head to the hospital.

Once at the meeting, the radiologist walked me through what the simulation would entail, and said that treatments could begin as soon as the next day! The radiologist reasoned that the genetic test results might not be back until another two weeks and she felt compelled to get started. Radiation cannot be administered at the same time as some chemotherapies, so her unilateral recommendation was to begin radiation treatment. At this point I had not even met an oncologist, the results from the genetic testing were not completed, and I was (and am still) not symptomatic from the brain tumors. I acknowledged the urgency to make a plan, but something didn’t feel right. Fear, and confusion swelled up again. I was overwhelmed.

The radiologist left the room to get things ready for the simulation and my hospital appointed social worker came in the room. The social worker was empathetic and started giving me a lung cancer 101 lesson. It was here I first learned of the ~10 or so known genetic mutation drivers in lung cancer. We discussed these and how common each were. I also learned that many of the known mutations have specific targeted drugs that work better, and carry far less harmful side effects, than traditional chemo and radiation. She could tell I was taking in more information than I could process.

My head was swimming in options when the radiologist returned to the exam room and interrupted my conversation with the social worker. The radiologist got a call from the oncologist to put a hold radiation until the cancer cell genetic testing was complete in order to form a comprehensive treatment plan!

In hindsight, I count this change of course as a miracle. I also experienced my first situation where fear and incomplete information could have led to an unnecessary procedure with long lasting side effects. Telling Annie all of this later I learned that she had gotten confirmation that I should not go to the hospital, but didn’t share it because she wasn’t sure she could trust it–actually seeking confirmation is new to us. We’ve agreed that we won’t ignore our confirmations or instincts again! My response to fear has been a constant theme during this season. I wish I could fill pages with examples of how I’ve replaced fear with truth from God’s Word. Instead, this experience has exposed my comfort in the natural world, and my self-confidence that ‘I don’t get sick’. I am learning, like Peter in Matthew 14:22-33, to focus on Jesus, not the wind and storm raging around me.

1/9/2020 We weren’t sure why Matt was sent to pulmonology (lung specialist) first, but it came to light quickly that this specialist was the one who could confirm or contest the diagnosis given by an ENT and 2 radiologists. Yes, the images looked like metastatic disease, but the pulmonologist said we couldn’t know precisely until tissue was biopsied and studied.

This was the first doctor that greeted us with a broad smile and took the time to really listen and answer our questions. She had many questions of her own! She asked about international and domestic travels, exposures to chemicals, the type of pets we have…

She wanted to show us the lung CT to tell us what she saw, but Matt declined. He knew that it wouldn’t help his state of mind at this point. She used her whiteboard to draw a diagram instead and said that what she saw looked like pneumonia and that the lesions in the lung and brain resembled parasitic or fungal infections. She wanted Matt to get a blood test to see if he was HIV positive (immunocompromised individuals acquire these infections more easily). In the back of our minds we knew Matt was not immunocompromised, but hoped, hoped, hoped for an infectious disease outcome. Tuberculosis anyone? The plan was to get tissue sample the next week under sedation.

Leaving the appointment, we both felt the wind in our sails. There was a peace that descended on our minds, and strangely a loosening of our tight grip on the Lord. We sensed that as this ‘uncertainty’ about cancer came, our desperation for Jesus lessened for a moment. It was strange to get a few good nights of sleep based on words of ‘uncertainty’ when we had been having poor sleep also based on ‘uncertainty’…that’s what hope and fear can do. As we researched the new possibilities, our hearts reached out to Christ once again, some infections aren’t really a better option.

1/14/2020 Matt had an afternoon biopsy scheduled. I helped him situate his belongings in the medical bay and wore his wedding band for the procedure. The intake nurse asked him lots of questions prior to giving the IV including whether he used marijuana. He reported, “No” and seeing my puzzled look the nurse said, “We ask that because it affects the level of sedation needed.” Again, Matt does not do so well with needles, so I held his other hand and distracted him with stories as the IV was placed. The nurse commented that we were the sweetest, most loving couple she had seen. I prayed over Matt when she left. God has grown a new level of tenderness and honesty between us, we’re not sure if that would have come without this health crisis.

The pulmonologist (partner to the one we consulted with) and anesthesiologist came in to also ask some questions–again, “Do you use marijuana?” and then Matt was taken away for the biopsy.

I had prepared things to do while he was in surgery: writing notecards, working on my 2020 goal setting, some podcasts. I got some good things done and looking at the calendar realized that it was one year ago (1/14/2019) that I took a BIG leap of faith and bought my horse sight-unseen. No surprise now, but I named the mare: “Leap of Faith”–Faith for short. It had been just a few days prior (the 11th) that I’d been writing my list of 10 things that I was going to need BIG faith for in 2019…getting a horse was one of them after a year long search in 2018. I can’t recall precisely, but I think I went to see 15+ horses after reading perhaps 200+ ads. Matt was the one whose reassurace that this was possible opened my heart up to getting my heart-horse. It’s bizarre how things can change in a year’s time good and bad.

A nurse let me know that Matt was out of surgery. The medical staff had to do an x-ray to ensure that they hadn’t punctured a lung (standard protocol) and then I was allowed back to the recovery area. He was all clear, but still so sedated!

BEST SEDATED LINES:

Before being spoon-fed ice chips: “Are these organic?”

While looking down at his arms (blood pressure cuff, iv, pulse/pulse ox monitor): “I don’t have to go home like this right? Oh those freakin’ cats! I’m gonna get glucose all over their heads!”

“What kind of patient was I ? Did I whimper a lot?” I responded, “No, but you coughed a lot?” He asked “Why?” and I said, “You’re airway is sensitive”. Matt replied, “I am sensitive. See if you can get that in my file. I’m sensitive.”

The pulmonologist came back to tell us how the biopsy went and what to expect over the next 24 hours and that results of cell culturing, microscopic identification, and genetic testing on the cells should come back in a week to 10 days. She asked again if Matt used marijuana and we denied it again–he was just hard to keep sedate. In the procedure she was able to get tissue from a lymph node and do a lung-washing (saline squirted into the lung then suctioned back up to collect cells), but she was unable to get a lung tissue sample. Matt was just coughing too much.

I drove Matt home and he was pretty much ready to sleep for the night, but he did say more than once, “Thanks for being with me.”

2/24/2020 (Monday) Matt started the targeted oral therapy today. 4 capsules with breakfast and 4 with dinner. His next scan could be between 6-12 weeks from now. Blood labs will be done every two weeks for a few months. I didn’t anticipate having to go to the appointment for him to be told how to take the medication, but because Matt is a hero, I got to be his chauffeur.

Last Monday (Presidents Day) we had the day off of work. It was a bright and cold morning so we bundled up and headed out in the car to go to our favorite park to walk our dog. Stopped at a large intersection, we debated the two different routes to take to get to the park. I wanted to go check out a coffee shop on the way to the park–maybe grab a to-go. That meant going straight ahead.

A loud explosion. Dirt, plants, shattered mirror and plastic trailed behind a truck that went over the median…Crash! The light turned and we did too.

Matt pulled us into a parking lot and said, “Stay with the dog.” He walked to the two vehicles that had collided and along with a couple of other people who witnessed the accident started to take action. From my vantage point I could see Matt open the passenger door of the sedan that was hit. He took a few belongings of the woman that she handed him and then he held her hands and assisted her out the passenger side.

EVEN SOMEONE WHO IS ‘SICK’ CAN BE A HERO.

Matt stayed with her and waited there as emergency services arrived. We think that a medical emergency happened to the driver of the truck–prayed that whatever caused it would be discovered and healed. We are grateful that no one is seriously injured.

On Saturday Matt decided to join his team for the winter league Championship soccer game. He hadn’t touched a ball since November, but had been encouraged by all of his doctors to do what he loves! He’d made some strong gains with Zwift, so he felt confident that he could play for a half.

About 10 minutes left in the half, Matt tried to be a hero. Pop! Severe ankle sprain. He left the field and came home (driving a clutch!) and found out later that his team won–Champions!

EVEN SOMEONE WHO IS ‘SICK’ CAN GET INJURED .

Matt was in serious pain and he was angry! Later that evening he recognized that his first reaction to pain and inconvenience was anger, but that it didn’t serve him and he wanted work on responding to difficulty differently.

EVEN SOMEONE WHO IS ‘SICK’ CAN RECOGNIZE HIS NEED FOR EMOTIONAL GROWTH–and want to have healing in every part of who he is: BODY, MIND, SPIRIT

I got him crutches for now and the swelling is going down, but the color is up. At the appointment today, all the medical staff applauded Matt for doing what he loves, but cautioned him to not be a hero in the future.

He’ll always be a hero–it’s who he was made to be.

1/5/2020 I know Matt said the CT scan went well, and it did, but truth be told, medical stuff terrifies him. Given the result of the chest and neck CT scan on the 2nd, his primary care physician ordered an MRI of the brain. Having had a few MRIs myself, Matt asked me all about what to expect. He decided that taking a sedative was going to be necessary for him.

The MRI took place in the afternoon after church and when the tech invited Matt back to get the process started, Matt reported not feeling anything out of the ordinary (NOT sedate), so he took a 2nd sedative. He told me later that he never felt “sedated” until he was released to walk back to the waiting area. Oh well. During the MRI Matt felt a moment of claustrophobia, but was able to distract himself by the “Star Wars” sounds that the machine made.

While Matt was getting scanned, I spent the next 45 minutes or so in the waiting room. I made my first round of non-family phone calls to tell the “news so far” and each person shared their disbelief at the news and total belief that “this isn’t the end of the story.” I’d brought horse training books and a journal to pass the rest of the time, but the waiting room begged to be walked around, danced in, and looked out of to the surrounding hills of Oregon Wine Country. While on the phone with one person I saw a double rainbow–a sign of promise! I was alone in the waiting area for most of the time, but I didn’t bother to stop dancing when another couple took seats at the opposite end of the room.

Since the previous Friday, the elders and others have sent us song titles that would encourage and inspire us. Two in particular that I found myself connecting with and dancing to that afternoon were: So Will I (Hillsong Worship) and Not in a Hurry (Will Reagan & United Pursuit). We compiled a strong list of titles that Matt named “Replacement Mix”–replacing fear with truth, praise, and peace.

After the MRI (and 2 sedatives), Matt was legally and medically stoned and declined the invitation to attend that night’s prayer and worship gathering at church and promptly fell asleep in front of the fire place.

I went to church and worshiped my heart out! I also meditated on some scripture that I had read earlier that week (Matthew 6:25-34) and got the sense that God was communicating that it is possible AND good for us to depend totally on Him for our every need and it thus frees us up to be who we were created to be and to do what we were created to do–that our every motive and move can glorify the God who designed us–like instinct. This is a BIG deal for both Matt and I. We have historically been far more “self-sufficient” than dependent. We count it a blessing that we have not experienced many hardships, but we have been lulled into a false sense of self-reliance. Health is an area in which we NEVER thought Matt would be in need. We humbly recognize that all provision has come from the Lord–yes we’ve had a hand in using the provision wisely, but even that wisdom is bestowed upon us by Him.

That night I was given Waiting on God which was written by Andrew Murray around the turn of the 20th century. The daily readings for a month on this topic reinforced my sense of the delightful position we get to put ourselves in by being totally dependent on God: “The one object for which God gave life to creature was that in them He might prove and show forth His wisdom, power, and goodness, in His being each moment their life and happiness, and pouring forth unto them, according to their capacity, the riches of his goodness and power” (p. 17). Get the book–or chances are if you’re around us for very long, we’ll put one into your hands!

Part of being newly aware of our GREAT dependence is the humility that comes with it in sharing our “weakness” with others. More on that topic another day, but one particular outcome of vulnerability is that others get to step in with empathy and generosity. For example: Matt’s buddy came over later that week and FULLY set Matt up with Zwift (cycling trainer, sensors, heart rate monitor, app+subscription and even his own bike as Matt’s had been broken since mile 85 of our 100 mile ride in August–those last 15 miles were extra challenging). This allowed Matt to focus on some new goals aside from “just stay alive”.