Matt: During this season, Annie and I were part of a leadership training group at church. The group was reading through Pete Scazzaro’s book Emotionally Healthy Spirituality and meeting monthly to discuss a topic often neglected in Christian circles: emotional health.
At our group’s meeting on Wednesday 1/15/2020, my phone was not near me when the pulmonologist called. When I did not pick up the phone, Annie got a call and the two of us excused ourselves to another room. It was the results of the biopsy. This was the same doctor who suggested I may have pneumonia, or an infectious disease. I held my breath as Annie and I prepared ourselves for the results.
Lung cancer.
The doctor went on to explain that the cancer cell type was determined to be adenocarcinoma, but that the cells still needed to be tested for genetic mutation drivers. This testing would not be complete for another ten business days she thought. It was weird to thank her and say good-night, but that’s what you do. After hanging up the call, we took a few minutes to ourselves to pray and then our pastors joined us to pray again with tight hugs and tears. Then we just went home, not ready to address the rest of the group with our news.
The news was deflating, but not much of a shock. The ENT doctor from earlier in January was right. I was now in a waiting period between diagnosis and treatment plan. My emotional health as a Type A, enneagram 3, person of action, could do little more than…wait. Have you ever been stuck behind someone at the airport who is a slow walker? Have you ever been at a traffic light and had your turn get skipped? All my instincts screamed take action! Fight back!
I have made a conscious effort during this journey NOT to research myself into a place of fear. I like to say I have a Han Solo attitude: ‘Never tell me the odds!’ If information won’t improve my outcome, I ignore or delete it. The same was true during this period of waiting two weeks for test results. There is a wide variation of treatment plans available depending on whether or not there is a genetic mutation driver present in the cancer cells. Against my natural inclinations, I clung to the daily devotional by Andrew Murray called Waiting on God and focused on my organic raw vegan diet protocol (more on that in later posts).
The next day, shortly before noon, I got a phone call from the radiology scheduling department at the hospital. They had a 1pm appointment open up that day, during which I could meet with the radiologist, and they could conduct a ‘simulation’. The scheduler described a simulation as basically a rehearsal for everything the radiologist would need in order to perform whole brain radiation. At this point in my journey, I knew very little about the efficacy of whole brain radiation, its risks, and whether or not alternative solutions would lead to better outcomes. I wanted to meet the radiologist and discuss options, but was apprehensive about making a snap decision to walk down a path with serious health implications. I called Annie. We both sought confirmation from the Lord. I left my office at work and went for a short walk. Knowing I didn’t have much time to make the appointment, I decided to head to the hospital.
Once at the meeting, the radiologist walked me through what the simulation would entail, and said that treatments could begin as soon as the next day! The radiologist reasoned that the genetic test results might not be back until another two weeks and she felt compelled to get started. Radiation cannot be administered at the same time as some chemotherapies, so her unilateral recommendation was to begin radiation treatment. At this point I had not even met an oncologist, the results from the genetic testing were not completed, and I was (and am still) not symptomatic from the brain tumors. I acknowledged the urgency to make a plan, but something didn’t feel right. Fear, and confusion swelled up again. I was overwhelmed.
The radiologist left the room to get things ready for the simulation and my hospital appointed social worker came in the room. The social worker was empathetic and started giving me a lung cancer 101 lesson. It was here I first learned of the ~10 or so known genetic mutation drivers in lung cancer. We discussed these and how common each were. I also learned that many of the known mutations have specific targeted drugs that work better, and carry far less harmful side effects, than traditional chemo and radiation. She could tell I was taking in more information than I could process.
My head was swimming in options when the radiologist returned to the exam room and interrupted my conversation with the social worker. The radiologist got a call from the oncologist to put a hold radiation until the cancer cell genetic testing was complete in order to form a comprehensive treatment plan!
In hindsight, I count this change of course as a miracle. I also experienced my first situation where fear and incomplete information could have led to an unnecessary procedure with long lasting side effects. Telling Annie all of this later I learned that she had gotten confirmation that I should not go to the hospital, but didn’t share it because she wasn’t sure she could trust it–actually seeking confirmation is new to us. We’ve agreed that we won’t ignore our confirmations or instincts again! My response to fear has been a constant theme during this season. I wish I could fill pages with examples of how I’ve replaced fear with truth from God’s Word. Instead, this experience has exposed my comfort in the natural world, and my self-confidence that ‘I don’t get sick’. I am learning, like Peter in Matthew 14:22-33, to focus on Jesus, not the wind and storm raging around me.
Matt & Annie - Journey 