MP 30

Annie: Coming clean. There is something similar about writing a blog and the act of ghosting just became clear to me–you don’t have to be wholly authentic i.e. vulnerable. In a blog you can present the polished version and put the spin on the story so that your readers end up with your desired conclusion. When ghosting, you don’t get to direct where others’ conclusions land, yet, in either case you don’t have to have real-life necessarily messy conversations–you don’t have to be the non-polished, spin-less and fully human version of yourself or have the opportunity to be loved anyway.

We are people with good hearts that get it wrong–a lot. We’re learning about our triggers, habitual patterns and shortcomings too and desiring to grow into authentically vulnerable people. So, coming clean, first with an apology from Annie–“I’m sorry to those I’ve ghosted (probably a life-long coping mechanism, but especially since June 2021 when we thought we were on our way to San Francisco and plans suddenly changed), treating you as if you were someone who wouldn’t love or care for me when I believed I was coming apart at the seams because I didn’t have the answers for all the twists and turns that our lives were taking. Please forgive me for not having faith in you or in myself to be vulnerable–I regret how I hurt you by doing so”.

This is not directly from Matt, but I imagine his apology to our readers would be something like–“I’m sorry that I didn’t have faith in your love and care for the authentic me so I hid part of myself, my weakness, so that you would hear the story I wanted you remember. Please forgive me for not having faith in you or in myself to be vulnerable–I regret how I’ve hurt you by doing so.”

We’re quite a pair, eh? We know that we should certainly have boundaries; we can keep to ourselves what feels private–not share every detail, but we truly want to grow in our abilities to be vulnerable and get the chance to also show you that you are loved and cared for in your weaknesses.

This is what I’ve shared today by text or email to several of you: Hi family/friends. This is Annie Beghtel, Matt’s wife. I ask that you’d be praying for him as he is in the hospital after having a seizure yesterday due to recurrence of cancer and tumors in the brain. He is currently stable, but has a lot of tests still to come. I’m sorry that this may come as a shock and with not many details right now, but we do covet your prayers on our behalf.

I am grateful for the replies I’ve had so far and since confessing my “ghosting” pattern, I do ask for your grace as it’s a bit too much for me to respond to each one. Truly, we are grateful that there are so many willing to pray for us and come alongside us and show us that we are loved even if and even especially when we are at our weakest. It’s humbling, and that’s a really good place to be.

Although the context of the following scripture is not quite where Paul the Apostle was headed, it does strike me that by “boasting about” our weaknesses, others, in addition to Christ, are intrinsically invited to enact the grace of Christ and His loving power toward those who need some extra special care.

“Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9 (New Living Translation)

Just wanted you to know that we desire to show love and care to you when you let your weaknesses be seen–you have already proven (toward us) that it’s possible to do so.