MP 5

1/5/2020 I know Matt said the CT scan went well, and it did, but truth be told, medical stuff terrifies him. Given the result of the chest and neck CT scan on the 2nd, his primary care physician ordered an MRI of the brain. Having had a few MRIs myself, Matt asked me all about what to expect. He decided that taking a sedative was going to be necessary for him.

The MRI took place in the afternoon after church and when the tech invited Matt back to get the process started, Matt reported not feeling anything out of the ordinary (NOT sedate), so he took a 2nd sedative. He told me later that he never felt “sedated” until he was released to walk back to the waiting area. Oh well. During the MRI Matt felt a moment of claustrophobia, but was able to distract himself by the “Star Wars” sounds that the machine made.

While Matt was getting scanned, I spent the next 45 minutes or so in the waiting room. I made my first round of non-family phone calls to tell the “news so far” and each person shared their disbelief at the news and total belief that “this isn’t the end of the story.” I’d brought horse training books and a journal to pass the rest of the time, but the waiting room begged to be walked around, danced in, and looked out of to the surrounding hills of Oregon Wine Country. While on the phone with one person I saw a double rainbow–a sign of promise! I was alone in the waiting area for most of the time, but I didn’t bother to stop dancing when another couple took seats at the opposite end of the room.

Since the previous Friday, the elders and others have sent us song titles that would encourage and inspire us. Two in particular that I found myself connecting with and dancing to that afternoon were: So Will I (Hillsong Worship) and Not in a Hurry (Will Reagan & United Pursuit). We compiled a strong list of titles that Matt named “Replacement Mix”–replacing fear with truth, praise, and peace.

After the MRI (and 2 sedatives), Matt was legally and medically stoned and declined the invitation to attend that night’s prayer and worship gathering at church and promptly fell asleep in front of the fire place.

I went to church and worshiped my heart out! I also meditated on some scripture that I had read earlier that week (Matthew 6:25-34) and got the sense that God was communicating that it is possible AND good for us to depend totally on Him for our every need and it thus frees us up to be who we were created to be and to do what we were created to do–that our every motive and move can glorify the God who designed us–like instinct. This is a BIG deal for both Matt and I. We have historically been far more “self-sufficient” than dependent. We count it a blessing that we have not experienced many hardships, but we have been lulled into a false sense of self-reliance. Health is an area in which we NEVER thought Matt would be in need. We humbly recognize that all provision has come from the Lord–yes we’ve had a hand in using the provision wisely, but even that wisdom is bestowed upon us by Him.

That night I was given Waiting on God which was written by Andrew Murray around the turn of the 20th century. The daily readings for a month on this topic reinforced my sense of the delightful position we get to put ourselves in by being totally dependent on God: “The one object for which God gave life to creature was that in them He might prove and show forth His wisdom, power, and goodness, in His being each moment their life and happiness, and pouring forth unto them, according to their capacity, the riches of his goodness and power” (p. 17). Get the book–or chances are if you’re around us for very long, we’ll put one into your hands!

Part of being newly aware of our GREAT dependence is the humility that comes with it in sharing our “weakness” with others. More on that topic another day, but one particular outcome of vulnerability is that others get to step in with empathy and generosity. For example: Matt’s buddy came over later that week and FULLY set Matt up with Zwift (cycling trainer, sensors, heart rate monitor, app+subscription and even his own bike as Matt’s had been broken since mile 85 of our 100 mile ride in August–those last 15 miles were extra challenging). This allowed Matt to focus on some new goals aside from “just stay alive”.